Just a Little Pizza My Mind

I want to write about something a bit more serious today. This is something that has been weighing on my mind for a while. If you've read any of my previous posts, you'll know that I have been doing the Paleo diet (lifestyle) for quite some time--going on six months. In other posts I have discussed habits, priorities, working out, set backs, and a number of other topics all related to living active and healthy. What I have not discussed is the darker side of what can come with a goal to be thinner.

In January, I was 182 pounds. I was not thrilled with that number or the way my body looked, but I had a relatively great self esteem. There were days when I would change outfits 6 or more times to find something that I felt thinner in, but for the most part I felt okay about myself. To me, it was always more important to be a good person and have a nice personality than to be thin. By the end of February, I was 164 pounds. I was on top of the world at this point. In just a little over a month I had lost nearly 20 pounds from sticking to the Paleo diet and hitting the gym 5 days a week.

The next 10 pounds were much more difficult to get off. My body had adjusted to my diet, so I had to step up the intensity in the gym. I was still determined to reach my goal of 30 pounds lost by the end of the semester.

By the time I was headed home for summer, I was 150 pounds. I had dreamed of seeing that number since I was a sophomore in high school. I had reached a goal. I had defeated a huge struggle and accomplished something seemingly impossible.

Why wasn't I satisfied?

All of a sudden, 32 pounds lost felt like it wasn't enough. 140 became the new goal, and then 130, and then I noticed that I was obsessed with looking in the mirror and picking out my flaws. After that, I had thoughts of skipping meals to keep my caloric intake at less than 1200 in a day. Weighing myself once a week turned into weighing myself twice a day and fighting tears any time I gained a pound.

I was becoming addicted to losing weight and had made it my identity. And I was scared to death of gaining any weight and losing progress--scared to the point that I tracked every bite of food that I ingested.

In the past, I did not understand eating disorders, but after 6 months of losing weight, I have seen how addictions to looking a certain way can lead to eating disorders. I myself have not dealt with this to the point of calling it a disorder, but I have noticed that some of my thoughts would lean to those tendencies every now and then. And I am putting a stop to it.

There is a fine line between living a healthy lifestyle and being obsessed with outward appearance. I have been balancing on the fence between these two mindsets, and I am finally letting go of the unhealthy, negative thoughts I have put into my head in the past. Thanks to friends that constantly build me up and a God who reminds me that the state of my heart is infinitely more important than my body, I have been able to relax and enjoy life with having a scoop of ice cream every now and then (and being okay with it.) I will not let numbers on a scale have so much control of my happiness--because it will never bring true contentment.

I hope that this post can be one of encouragement to girls (or anyone) who struggles with body image. Life should not be about counting calories and picking out your not-so-toned body parts in the mirror. Take a deep breath, enjoy a slice of pizza every now and then, and remember that you are beautiful.